Day 51: 12/26/16
I felt like I needed to follow up on my previous entry today. Today has been a crappy day. A huge, crap filled day that I wish would hurry up and be over. Not all of my days are like today though. Some days are what I call good days because on those days, I actually take a shower, blow dry my hair, and wear actual clothes instead of my pyjamas or yoga pants that are paired with an oversized T-shirt. On the good days I try to leave the house and go buy groceries. The cats have to eat and I need to replenish my stash of ramen noodles. Apparently there are stores that deliver groceries and I can't lie, I have thought about having my food delivered. I have thought about never leaving the house again. It would be so easy to never leave the house ever again.
Then I have a good day. A good day happens and I feel that I can actually have a conversation with other people. Not long, drawn out conversations, but things like, "Yes thanks, I did find everything I was looking for." That is what qualifies a good day for me. I can actually smile at strangers and feign interest in what they say to me. I know how it sounds for me to say, "feign interest". It sounds harsh and uncaring, but the truth is, I feign interest with the hope that if I fake it enough, it will become my truth. Pretending to be interested will cause me to find some glimmer of real interest. So far feigning interest isn't working but I plan to keep faking it until it becomes true.
Yes, I know that there will be a day in which I will wake up and realize that it is another good day and that it is a good day on the heels of a string of good days. Trying to imagine when that will happen still eludes me. Currently, even on a so-called good day, I want to scream when people talk to me. I want to scream but I don't because I am terrified that if I do scream then I will be unable to stop. If I begin screaming, it is possible there will never, ever be a good day in my future.
In the meantime, I'll take a page from the Rolling Stones. - if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.... Every night before I fall asleep, I try to imagine that tomorrow will be a good day and that I will take a shower, get dressed, and make my way out of the house and into the world of people. Perhaps if I can imagine a good day then tomorrow I will be able to fake it and then tomorrow will actually be a good day; a good day where I no longer have to feign interest and a good day where my reality does not include the nearly paralyzing fear of a complete and uncontrollable meltdown.
I felt like I needed to follow up on my previous entry today. Today has been a crappy day. A huge, crap filled day that I wish would hurry up and be over. Not all of my days are like today though. Some days are what I call good days because on those days, I actually take a shower, blow dry my hair, and wear actual clothes instead of my pyjamas or yoga pants that are paired with an oversized T-shirt. On the good days I try to leave the house and go buy groceries. The cats have to eat and I need to replenish my stash of ramen noodles. Apparently there are stores that deliver groceries and I can't lie, I have thought about having my food delivered. I have thought about never leaving the house again. It would be so easy to never leave the house ever again.
Then I have a good day. A good day happens and I feel that I can actually have a conversation with other people. Not long, drawn out conversations, but things like, "Yes thanks, I did find everything I was looking for." That is what qualifies a good day for me. I can actually smile at strangers and feign interest in what they say to me. I know how it sounds for me to say, "feign interest". It sounds harsh and uncaring, but the truth is, I feign interest with the hope that if I fake it enough, it will become my truth. Pretending to be interested will cause me to find some glimmer of real interest. So far feigning interest isn't working but I plan to keep faking it until it becomes true.
Yes, I know that there will be a day in which I will wake up and realize that it is another good day and that it is a good day on the heels of a string of good days. Trying to imagine when that will happen still eludes me. Currently, even on a so-called good day, I want to scream when people talk to me. I want to scream but I don't because I am terrified that if I do scream then I will be unable to stop. If I begin screaming, it is possible there will never, ever be a good day in my future.In the meantime, I'll take a page from the Rolling Stones. - if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.... Every night before I fall asleep, I try to imagine that tomorrow will be a good day and that I will take a shower, get dressed, and make my way out of the house and into the world of people. Perhaps if I can imagine a good day then tomorrow I will be able to fake it and then tomorrow will actually be a good day; a good day where I no longer have to feign interest and a good day where my reality does not include the nearly paralyzing fear of a complete and uncontrollable meltdown.
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