That tiny little word, "Loss" has elbowed me in the ribs yet again. Loss elbowed me, then leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Traditions. Our traditions." I realized that all of the fun, sweet traditions Marc and I had enjoyed all of these years were over. Certainly I could still continue with our traditions but the key word there is "our", not "my". What does one do with that?
GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!
Speaking of traditions.....Go Army! Beat Navy! has been the battle cry in our home for 23 years. We have worn our Army swag and enjoyed our adult beverages each year while watching the Army-Navy game for 23 years. For the past 14 years, Marc and me have watched and enjoyed THE game, even in defeat we cheered Army on, waiting to bear witness when Army would give Navy a good whoopin'. Yesterday, Army won against Navy and my emotions were not the crazy loud, happy, ecstatic shouts of joy. Mind you, if Marc were still alive, we would have been at the actual game, cheering, hollering, and celebrating this win. We were both so excited about being able to go to the Army-Navy game this year.
Instead, I binge watched some show on Netflix because I couldn't bring myself to watch the game. Losing this tradition might pass less painfully if I simply did not watch the game. It is impossible for me to explain, but I knew Army would win; I knew it in my bones, deep in my soul, that this year would be the year for Army to once again claim victory over Navy. I knew Army would win and that Marc would not be here to celebrate with me. So I couldn't bring myself to continue on with a tradition that made me feel even more alone, more empty than I already feel.
Our tradition of watching the Army-Navy game is over. All of our traditions are over. No more dining together at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day, no more Sunday morning brunches, no more July 4th holidays with the cousins, just..... loss.
2 comments:
Diana-I thought of Marc so often while watching the game! I totally get your not watching!!!! But, I cheered and said a prayer for both of you-and, Marc was extremely ecstatic, by the way-as we both know!
I love that you are writing your feelings-makes a lasting impression!
I Love You!
Cindy
I love you my friend <3. I'm going through a whole life change too and feeling a lot of what you are talking about. I'm floundering badly to try and just stabilize through the move and unpacking. It's hard realizing I've lived in survival mode for 25 years and I'm stupid when it comes to even simple basics like where my clothes go in a dresser (I never had a dresser for clothes before) or how to set up my kitchen and pantry (this new place has all sorts of special storage not just a couple shelves). I'm understanding the shock a person goes through from homeless to a "normal" life. I've lost the comfort of auto pilot. Knowing what certain sounds are, what days mean what needs to be done (like trash and recycling out to the curb). I'm feeling very old, stupid and alone. I canceled Christmas because I simply can not add anymore stress to what I'm dealing with right now. ~ sending love to you and the fur babies ~ Shelly
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