Day 62: 01/06/2017
Yesterday was the calendar "anniversary" of two months since Marc died. Two months doesn't sound like a very long time does it? In my world it feels like an eternity. Since Marc's death Thanksgiving, Marc's Celebration of Life, our 23rd Wedding Anniversary, Christmas, and the turn of a new year have happened; in the short span of 2 months a lifetime has passed by - a lifetime of traditions and celebrations. Yesterday I put away the Christmas tree and packed away the decorations. I am still undecided as to whether the house felt more empty with the tree or without it. Grief is an inexplicable thing. There is nothing predictable about it, there is no pattern to follow, it is different for each person who experiences it.
Yes, today I am feeling sorry for myself. I have written and rewritten this entry no less than 4 times, this may be my 5th attempt - I have lost count. The first 5 times I wrote this I raised the curtain on all of the bullshit that happened immediately following Marc's death. Each entry just sounded like a hate letter. If I told you about all of the bullshit that occurred, most would say, "People sometimes do awful things during their grief." Thing is, the things done and said actually had nothing to do with grief, the things done and said were just another normal day in the life of the shitty fucking people who claimed to be Marc's family. Thank God for Marc's dad, Les, and Les' wife, Phyllis. Marc was a lot like his dad, in more ways than I can list here. Thank goodness.
When I first began learning about the crap pulled by his sisters and mother, I was crushed. That emotional blow came out as anger, then I just felt sorry for them. My heart hurt for them because I knew they were in pain.
Then, slowly, I discovered more and more about what was done and what was said, the bullshit they tried to pull and currently all I feel is seething hatred for the three of them.
Hatred, it is a powerful emotion and I am trying with everything that I am not to allow it to consume me. It would be easy to let all of my emotions be soaked up into hating those women. It would be so very easy. Projecting my feelings of loss, loneliness, emptiness, and despair into the hatred I feel right now would make sense to me if I were working with a client. Thing is, I also know that those women don't deserve a single moment of my life/thoughts/emotions ever again.
I miss my husband, I miss my life, I miss my past, my present, and I miss my future.
Yesterday was the calendar "anniversary" of two months since Marc died. Two months doesn't sound like a very long time does it? In my world it feels like an eternity. Since Marc's death Thanksgiving, Marc's Celebration of Life, our 23rd Wedding Anniversary, Christmas, and the turn of a new year have happened; in the short span of 2 months a lifetime has passed by - a lifetime of traditions and celebrations. Yesterday I put away the Christmas tree and packed away the decorations. I am still undecided as to whether the house felt more empty with the tree or without it. Grief is an inexplicable thing. There is nothing predictable about it, there is no pattern to follow, it is different for each person who experiences it.
Yes, today I am feeling sorry for myself. I have written and rewritten this entry no less than 4 times, this may be my 5th attempt - I have lost count. The first 5 times I wrote this I raised the curtain on all of the bullshit that happened immediately following Marc's death. Each entry just sounded like a hate letter. If I told you about all of the bullshit that occurred, most would say, "People sometimes do awful things during their grief." Thing is, the things done and said actually had nothing to do with grief, the things done and said were just another normal day in the life of the shitty fucking people who claimed to be Marc's family. Thank God for Marc's dad, Les, and Les' wife, Phyllis. Marc was a lot like his dad, in more ways than I can list here. Thank goodness.
When I first began learning about the crap pulled by his sisters and mother, I was crushed. That emotional blow came out as anger, then I just felt sorry for them. My heart hurt for them because I knew they were in pain.
Hatred, it is a powerful emotion and I am trying with everything that I am not to allow it to consume me. It would be easy to let all of my emotions be soaked up into hating those women. It would be so very easy. Projecting my feelings of loss, loneliness, emptiness, and despair into the hatred I feel right now would make sense to me if I were working with a client. Thing is, I also know that those women don't deserve a single moment of my life/thoughts/emotions ever again.
I miss my husband, I miss my life, I miss my past, my present, and I miss my future.
4 comments:
I have been the target of hatred after death, it was undeserved, but understandable given that I had a child the exact same age as the one that died and we were all close. The mother needed someone to be mad at and hate and there I was. She was also left with a lot of guilt years later and stated it would have been easier if I had deserved it. The relationship will never be the same but the hate was a part of her healing. How nice that you will not have to deal with the guilt when it is time to let it go, and that time will come, later. Don't rush it. I love you
I used to like to say people grieve differently and try not to take things too personally if what someone does hurts. But after experience, I modified my prior view as follows: people grieve differently and try *as a rule* not to take things too personally if what someone does hurts. I had to add the nuance because on rare occasions, some folks simply take it too far to have sympathy for them. For those folks, forgive and forget works best: forgive them their insensitive stupidity and then forget them once and for all.
First and foremost, I think blogging and engaging and at the very least, getting your feelings down on paper is magnificent, Di. I cannot fathom what it feels like to lose a spouse but I did witness what my father went through and continues to go through..and my whole entire heart goes out to you and I pray to the angels that you have some peace. I know grief doesn't have a stopping point, a rhyme, a reason or a formal agenda and I believe it morphs over and over throughout one's life.
I was the recipient of hate due to loss a few years back. My assistant at the time passed away due to complications of lupus. She was getting very ill in the last 6 months prior to her passing and she had given me two months notice. Unfortunately, corporate policy was not down for that..two weeks was max. So, instead of telling me that so I could communicate that to her at that time, my boss called me in to her office one morning - two weeks after the resignation was turned in by my assistant. I was directed to tell my assistant that this was her last day and to see her out. WOW. WOW. I felt horrible delivering the news and of course, she was hurt and bewildered at what happened. After all, she felt two months notice would aid me so I could hire someone in and she could train that person. She held the "early release" against me. A few months passed and she died. Her husband wrote me the most scathing letter I have ever received and basically blamed me for her early demise due to the added stress of being "embarrassed" by being let go from her job prematurely and he would never forgive me for not fighting to keep her on the remainder of her notice. I tried not to think too much about it, since he was a very grieving spouse...but to blame his wife's ex-boss is what blew me away...I guess it still bothers me to this day, somewhat.
In my humble opinion you are pissed off because YOUR husband would never have appreciated whatever these 3 ladies have done or said and it offends you FOR him which sometimes feels worse than being offended on something against you personally. Yes. Selfish ugly people exist and it is not right but you need to at least express that and you do that well. You will rise above it but that doesn't mean you have yet...I am sure it is painful and I am sorry for that, Di.
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