Showing posts with label Extemporaneous- You Decide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Extemporaneous- You Decide. Show all posts

Monday, July 1, 2013

Escape.....Your. Dreams. Escape, You.

So much for my "30 Day~ A Post A Day" attempt. I'd like to say I'm going to get back to it but who am I kidding? If I make this a job or a chore, I won't do it.

Photo by Patty Maher - 
Fact is, I was quite occupied and probably should not have undertaken the chore when I did. The kids were here visiting and we stayed rather busy during their stay here. Having them here is always fun but it is also exhausting.

For weeks now I've had so many things turning over in my head. Things that seem to want to find an escape from the dark caverns in my brain but probably should be kept where they are. Down, deep into the blackness that rarely, if ever, sees even the smallest flicker of light. Maybe it will see a teeny tiny flicker of light. A flicker as weak as that of a candle. That flicker of light that makes you turn and try to look twice, straining for a peek, at whatever it was you caught a tiny glimpse of out of the corner of your eye. You strain - lean harder in to see it.... it is like that small, tiny, whisper that calls out but you can't understand what it is saying.... it is in there, deep in the dark recesses of your mind and that is where those things should stay (I think). Once you let them out, who knows the havoc they shall wreak on you and your steady, contented, uncontented life.

What if.......what if you open up the way out, like unlatching a suitcase, and what you had held in for so long....what if it all..............................................





 escaped.




What if?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Shopping With a Teenager....Gotta Love It!

Today was pretty low key. We spent the day lounging by the pool and then went up to the roof to watch the sunset. An adequate recovery plan after the previous day of mall shopping with a 15 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. HOLY CROW!!! Shopping with kids that age is more painful than a dental visit for a root canal without Novocain.








I have to laugh, each year I look forward to having the kidlets here and each year, they want to go shopping. I dread shopping days. Laughing is all I can do. They have very definite ideas about what they do and do not like. Nic has officially grown out of the phase where I could talk him into joining Shelby and me for pedicures. This year, he has put his proverbial foot down and declared he would NOT be getting a pedi with us. I am greatly disappointed. Why do boys and men (for the most part) not understand the importance of taking care of their feet?


The no go on the pedi is also a precursor to when the kids will be busy with their friends and summer plans that no longer include their aunt. It makes me sad to think that day will come, I'll deal with that when it comes. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy what time I have with them and I'm going to take advantage of whatever adventures they are willing to share with me, including mall shopping. Tonight, they were as excited about going to watch the sunset as I was.... I love that about them. They still see the beauty in life's simple things. I hope that never changes. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Shredding of The List

And on the 6th day, I took a nap. A very long nap and I'm pretty sure I might have, possibly, probably, snored. It was that wonderful of a nap. Don't be hatin', I'll try not to rub it in too much.


When I began this 30 day blog journey I thought it would be enjoyable to begin a blog journey of interesting topics. After yesterday's topic I find myself somewhat disenchanted with the predetermined topics of the "30 day- A Post A Day- Blog Challenge". No idea what I will be writing about for the next 24 days but I'll do my best to keep it interesting.








In about 30 minutes it will be tomorrow. For now, I'm going to get back to continuing that nap I was talking about earlier. Tomorrow is going to be fantastic, the Aquarium is on the list of things to do for us. I can't wait!!

Have a great night y'all!! xoxo

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Gimme Back My Bullets..... Day 4

Day four of the blog challenge - bullet my day. Since I drove approximately 650 miles today, bullet-ing my day seemed rather, how should I say it? Short.



  • 3:17 am, I was awakened by the sound of The Moya retching all over the bedroom floor. Yes, tossing her doggy cookies so to speak. At 3 am, this is not fun for either of us. 
  • 3:17:30 am I begin cleaning up puppy vomit.....4 piles of it. I love her so, it's okay.
  • 3:20 am kitteh begins licking my face and drooling on me. Gross! I begin to understand how my day is shaping up
  • 4:45, last time I looked at the clock before I fell back to sleep
  • 5:20, the alarm goes off. I roll over and try to snooze a little longer. to no avail, kitteh is back 
  • 6:00 am, walk The Moya
  • 6:30 am, make coffee and call my sister let her know I am planning to leave in about 30-40 minutes
  • 6:40-8:00 am, wash the dirty dishes in the sink, clean the water fountain for the kittehs, clean the litter box, feed everyone, fold the laundry, put away the laundry, pack an overnight bag for myself and for Moya
  • 8:00 - 8:30 am, load the vehicle with our things and everything we are bringing to NC for assorted peeps. 
  • 8:31- 8:50 am, shower, get dressed, put on make up, put hair in pony tail
  • 8:51- 9:15 am, double check everything, grab my computer, grab Moya and make our way down to the car.
  • 9:20 - begin our 9.5 hour trip to NC
  • 9:20 am - 6:45 pm drive and sing the songs on my iPod as loudly and as off key as any human can possibly do. LOVE to sing, just not very good at it. The musical talent in the DeGarmo family did not fall on me.
  • 6:45 - arrived in Rockingham and enjoyed 3 hours of non stop talking, jewelry ogling, and food with beer and tequila. I lost track of time and hated to leave but I had three little girls waiting up far past their bedtime for me to arrive.
  • 10:45 pm, arrived at my sisters in a whirl of noise and activity, kissed the girls, tucked them into bed 
  • 11:39pm,  sat down to bullet proof my day. 
This particular blog post seems like a silly chore but, I am following the challenge so, there you have it. My day in bullet point.....sorry to have put you all through this. 

Until I sat down to write this post, here is how my day really went (in my mind)..... some of the words may have been changed to fit my warped brain on a long day of driving. Yes, I do make me laugh.....


  • I'm not calling you ghost, just stop haunting me
  • ain't no grave gonna hold me down
  • happiness hit her like a bullet in the (brain) back
  • this ain't a scene
  • you really think you're in control
  • I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
  • as I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
  • make your life madness
  • m m m m m m mad mad mad but now I have finally seen the end
  • the things that could have been are repressed
  • like an apparition, you don't seem real at all
  • oh the bee does quickly sting
  • my heart's forsaken me, big black horse
  • I'm going to Wichita
  • through this poisoned nightmare have you set yourself free
  • Blame it on my A.D.D. baby
and this particular bullet list could go on, and on, and on, and on.....

Thanks for reading, and sorry it is dated a day late but I did begin this on Day 4 *big smiles and a wink*
xoxo

Monday, June 10, 2013

Only One? Impossible.

Over the course of my life reading books has always been a joy for me. Being given the chance to walk through other worlds, times, dreams, truths, reading a book has always been a welcome escape. My library isn't enormous but it is a good size and over the years, it has traveled everywhere I have gone. My books are like old friends and some have been with me since I was nine years old (The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit Trilogy.....). To say I love my books would not be an overstatement. 


In all of the years of reading if you were to ask me to decide on one favorite, I couldn't do it. Yes, I love to read and re-read the classics, many of them have taken up permanent residence alongside Stephen King, Tom Clancy, Anne Rice, and many others. My favorite? I can't say that I have just one. What I do have are a few 'Go to' books. These are books that always seem ready with advice or a calm word to soothe my busy mind. Clarissa Pinkola Estes penned a book titled, "Women Who Run With the Wolves". On any given day, I can open it to any page and find a word of guidance or assurance. Joining Clarissa's book are a few others, Richard Bach's "Illusions", and Beverly Rollwagen's, "She Just Wants". 


Today, Clarissa's words are, from the chapter "Homing: Returning to OneSelf".....uncanny sometimes - this was what I read....“The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.” 
This passage seems apropos to the place I'm at in my life, returning to the soul-place. Creating my place. I feel comforted by her words.



Richard Bach offers something more akin to a Magic 8 Ball. *Laughing* Yes, I am serious. You know how you used to concentrate so hard on a question regarding your hearts most desired wish, shake the 8 Ball and then flip it over hoping for an answer or guidance to help you gain your heart's desire? That is sort of what it's like to open a page of "Illusions". Today I opened the pages and it spoke these words...


“You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.” 
Food for thought and thought to ponder.




To say, "Finally," would be inaccurate but another of my favorites that I go to just to quiet my mind was a gift from a friend. She always put great thought into the gifts she gave me and this one, even though we are no longer friends, is still a treasure and makes me think of her and smile. Beverly Rollwagen's "She Just Wants", is a fabulous compilation of everyday thoughts that women have regarding what seems so simple yet so complicated - everyday life. I think my favorite piece is this one.....maybe....I can never choose just one, so I'll share this one...

"She just wants to let the lazy water fall around her. Someone calls it rain, but that comes with sky-splitting speed. What she wants now is the calming steadiness of a shower. The water should not be cold. She should feel every pore of her body being filled. She will tip her head back, open her mouth and receive what the sky gives. This is a perfect way to drown."






There you have it, a brief, tiny peek into my library. It is my sincere hope that you also have a way to escape and a means to find your way.

Thank you for stopping by and thank you for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

20 Random Facts .... About Me (Because I knew you were dying to know)

 
1) People who butcher the English language drive me nuts.















  2) I was once a photojournalist and it is still the best job I ever had- I still love photography but only if it's at my leisure

  3) I cherish my friends

  4) If I say, "I love you." I mean it.

  5) I LOVE LOVE LOVE my ink.

  6) Roller coasters are AWESOME

  7)  Ramen - I can prepare it a hundred different ways. My favorite is simple, with nothing added except the flavour packet. Yummmmm

  8) I'm allergic to apples - WTF?!?















  9) I enjoy laughing....a LOT

10) I trust everyone, until they prove they cannot be trusted. Then, even if I like the person, I probably don't trust them

11) I have lived in Ethiopia  & Germany

12) Fast cars get my heart going. Think of Homer and how he feels about beer, that is how I feel about fast cars.

13) I have lived in 8 of the continental United States.

14) Raspberry is my favorite fruit flavor... or is it Mango, I can never make up my mind

15) I don't believe in regret. I think regrets are a waste of time and energy. Life's experiences have helped to make me who I am, the good and the not so good. How can I regret that?

16) Red is my favorite colour. It isn't the only colour I like but it is the one I always return to.


17) If you fuck with someone I love, I will make your life miserable. I will make you wish you had never met me.  Seriously.











18) Pretty sure I have A.D.D. It takes me 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher because when I start putting dishes away, I find other things that need doing as well.........

19) I have had a multitude of careers in my lifetime and enjoyed them all, I still don't know what I want to be but isn't life supposed to be full of adventure?




20) I have a recurring dream about alligators. I've had this dream since I was a little girl and the dreams change
a little from dream to dream but the alligators are there, and I'm usually naked. I look hot in my dream though so it's all good.





Outlook Good


 If you were to say to me, "Don't let the sun go down on me." 
I'd ask, "Why not?"


 Life offers us each a landscape for a backdrop of beauty that is always with us, even if we don't notice it.


Waves of beauty can wash the soul clean.


Life is a dream, you create it.


Look for the beauty. It is all around you.


Sigh.


Smile.


Love your life. 



If you don't like the life you have, change your mind. 
Remember, you can fake it until you become it. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

A Muse Me

Sometimes, the lyrics of a song loop over and over again in your brain....no matter what you do you can't stop the words from echoing through your mind. Today's worm...


(Mu-mu-mu-mad-mad-mad)  


I... I can't get this memories out of my mind. 

And some kind of Madness, 

Has started to evolve, mmn. 



And I... I tried so hard to let you go. 

But some kind of Madness, 

Is swallowing me whole, yeh. 



I have finally seen the light. 

And I... have finally realized. 

What you mean... 
And now, I need to know if it's real love. 
Or is it just Madness, 
Keeping us afloat, mmm. 




And when I look back, at all the crazy fights we have, 

Like some kind of M-m-madness, 

Was taking control, yeh. 



And now I have finally seen the light, 

And I... have finally realized, 

What you need, mmm. 



(Mu-mu-mu-mad-mad-mad)  




And now I have finally seen the end, 

(I have seen the end) 

And I'm... I'm expecting you to care, 
(Expecting you to care) 
And I... have finally seen the light, 
(Have finally seen the light) 
And I... have finally realized, 
(Realized) 




(I NEED TO LOVE)  




Capture me, 

Trust in your dream, 

Come on and rescue me. 
Yes, I know, I can't move on, 
Baby, you're too head-strong. 
Our love is... 


(Mu-mu-mu-mad-mad-mad)


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Dreams Are Made of....


Dreams are made of balmy, winter evenings watching the sun set over the water. Beautiful.



Davis Island charms you with it's beauty.











The quiet has settled in.

Friday, January 11, 2013

You've Got Mail!




You've Got Mail, some of you will remember when checking your email meant you heard a happy sounding voice announcing to you that you had email waiting to be read. It used to make me feel happy. I couldn't wait to open up my email. It was akin to opening presents from under the tree on Christmas morning.





What? Don't judge me, it did feel that way!


Admit it, you know I speak the truth here. Nowadays, with Social Media being the main line of communication, the joy of email waiting to be read has dissipated into dread rather than excitement. Dread because you know few, probably none of the messages, are from anyone you care to hear from. Email has turned into a weigh station for junk mail, solicitations, advertisements, and sale announcements from your favorite stores. Those are the emails I tend to get any way and, honestly, I dread them. My inclination is to delete 99% of them without bothering to opening them. True story. However, I still love getting emails from my friends, which seldom (if ever) arrive. It is the next best thing to getting a letter in the mail. Letters in the mail are still at the top of my list for one of life's wonderful "little things" that are "big things".

So! I am taking back my email!!!! My mission is to begin sending out a few emails a week and make it through my contact list to say, "Hello, I miss you, what's up?" It may take more time than reading everyone's 'at-a-glance' FB posts but I don't care. Friendships have always been very personal for me, not superficial or temporary.

I still have my FB active but I have come to dread the long lists of memes on my home page, although most are funny and often make me chuckle, I miss the personal connection with people. If you want to stay in touch, personal message me on FB with your email address or phone number (PM's from FB go to my email.... haha, so now I know I'm getting an email I care to open), or leave a comment on my blog and I will make it a point to stay in touch with you. I know, email is still electronic but I personally, feel more connected and I am looking forward to being excited again about that phrase "You've Got Mail". 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Well, Hello My Freud.

If we allow it to happen, our childhood can leave us looking like mangled train wrecks in a ditch. Ultimately, you get to decide how you want things to go, not your parents, not those who abused you, not your siblings, you. You get to choose which paths to follow through your life.







Sure, the crap that happens in childhood can scar us. Certainly, I can attest to this. It leaves us with memories that are often difficult to get past. However, the bigger problem isn't the memories you battle to keep at bay. The bigger issue is how you allow the memories to change you. You can allow them to create change for the positive or for the negative. You choose. No one will ever be able to make THAT choice for you.



So yes, Freud was definitely on to something, but I prefer to use Carl Rogers theory. Rogers believed that we all possess what we need to heal ourselves. So, next time something happens and you want to blame it on your past (or another person), step back, look in the mirror and ask your self, "Did I choose to use my power to help myself?"


Imagine what you could do with your life if you simply empowered yourself. Just imagine. The possibilities are endless!






Monday, June 16, 2008

All Packed and Ready to Go

Shuh.
It's Monday, the 16th of June. Bigun and me will be hopping a plane in 20 hours. Sounds like a long way off doesn't it? NOT. I have to sleep somewhere in those 20 hours, do a little more laundry in that time frame, pick up and deliver 2 chairs for a client, tie up loose ends with the studio, Oh! yes, and still pack.

Personally I am not planning out my outfits like other girls, uh sorry I mean guys - Bigun. I just know I need a lot of crap that has to go into one bag. A single, lonely bag. How is that going to happen. Crap. 10 days worth of clothes in one bag? Reality check please...

I bought these bags last year so that I could easily find my bags at the luggage rounder

I am pretty certain I'll need two of them. I bought the whole set though so it shouldn't be a problem. I'll give Bigun the biggest one, he's going to need it for all of his tops and such.








Bigun is going to need a camel for all of his crap.



So, I better quit blogging and get my fanny in gear so that I can get the list completed in less than 20, wait, make that 18 hours...need to be at the airport 2 hours early. Who's brilliant idea was that!!??!!
See you guys soon, can't wait!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pillars for Dee

I have, in between work and such, had my head buried in a book. Well, not just one but several, one after the other. Late at night when I can't sleep. This seems to be often of late. Today I cracked the spine of a new book. Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett. I hadn't heard of it until the end of last year. Well, maybe I had and simply ignored it. You see, I like, no- I LOVE a good mystery. I love reading a tale that unfolds without predictability and with a wit that expresses intelligence. They are very difficult to find. My dilemma is that most books are very predictable and they lack a certain level of, well I am stuck here- They lack the ability to grab my brain in a manner that makes me crave the next line. Yet, at the same time, once I begin a yarn I am loathe to set it down before it is finished. I always hold out for that ending which will surprise me and leave me wanting more. Sometimes it happens. It is for that reason, I never leave a book unfinished. Ever.

A colleague of mine was reading McGuire's book "Wicked" and expressed that she was having great difficulty getting through it. We talked about the story, the premise and the characters. Her interpretation of what she had read to date was a world apart from my impression of the story. It was interesting to discuss this book with her. Very interesting. You see, I don't have any friends who have the desire to read books the way I do. So, the topic of what book I am currently involved with seldom comes up. It comes up in idle chat at the office but not much beyond the title and the author.

Dee, my colleague, was as intrigued by our discussion about Wicked as I was. She recommended we choose a book and read it, then talk it over with each other. You know, a little (very little - one might even say mini - haha) book club so to speak. Dee asked me if I had read Folletts "Pillars of the Earth" yet. Funny that she should ask me that. I had only picked it up a day before at the book store and perused the foreword. Funny too that she told me it was an Oprah Book Club title. I did not know that. I am funny about book clubs. Don't get me wrong, not because it's Oprah's Book Club, but any book club. It has been my past experience that most book clubs spend far too much time trying to figure out what the author meant by this word or that and no time on what the story meant to the reader. Certainly the author has an intention when they unfold their tales. Myself, however, am not at all privy to what the author had in mind so why would I be presumptuous enough to assume the authors intent in a particular verse or chapter? I believe most authors (of fiction) write simply to entertain. Naive? Maybe. Probably. That's okay. I'm fine with that.

Anyway, back to the idea of reading an Oprah Book Club recommendation. I laughed. Yes, I laughed. Out loud. Juvenile, I know. I couldn't help it. I like Oprah. Not because she is rich, famous, etc. I like her because she moves forward in this life and works daily to make a difference in this world. Does that mean I find her thoughts on literature to be gospel? No. So, I pondered the thought of going back to the book store and picking up a copy of "Pillars".

This whole thing took place right before Christmas. I am not supposed to purchase any books so close to Christmas. I usually receive a small library of books under the tree on Christmas morning. It's something I truly look forward to. I did not purchase "Pillars". Strange thing happened though. Santa brought me a copy on the morning of which we celebrate Baby Jesus' Birthday. Weird really, when you think about it. Santa knowing that "Pillars" was on my list of books for the year.

So, I have finished the other four books I got for Christmas and I have a copy of "Pillars". Today it was time to embark on a new adventure. After reading Follett's introduction, I am intrigued. I have included a copy of Ken Follett's Introduction for you to read. Perhaps those of you who have a passion for reading would like to join me in this book. Dee and I will be talking it over, but we won't be talking about what Follett "meant" we'll be talking about what we took from it. If you enjoy the introduction and it moves you to pick up your own copy, I wish you happy reading. For those of you who have already read it, please wait to tell me your thoughts after I finish it. I would be very interested in hearing your point of view.

In Ken Follett's words.....

This is the introduction I wrote for the 1999 edition.
Nothing happens the way you plan it.
A lot of people were surprised by The Pillars of the Earth, including me. I was known as a thriller writer. In the book business, when you have had a success, the smart thing to do is write the same sort of thing once a year for the rest of your life. Clowns should not try to play Hamlet; pop stars should not write symphonies. I should not have risked my reputation by writing something out of character and overambitious.
What's more, I don't believe in God. I'm not what you would call a spiritual person. According to my agent, my greatest problem as a writer is that I'm not a tortured soul. The last thing anyone would have expected from me was a story about building a church
So Pillars was an unlikely book for me to write - and I almost didn't. I started it, then dropped it, and did not look at it again for ten years.
This is how it happened.
When I was a boy, all my family belonged to a Puritan religious group called the Plymouth Brethren. For us, a church was a bare room with rows of chairs around a central table. Paintings, statues and all forms of decoration were banned. The sect also discouraged members from visiting rival churches. So I grew up pretty much ignorant of Europe's wealth of gorgeous church architecture.
I started trying to write novels in my middle twenties, while working as a reporter on the London Evening News. I realized then that I had never taken much interest in the cityscape around me, and I had no vocabulary to describe the buildings in which my characters had their adventures. So I bought An Outline of European Architecture by Nikolaus Pevsner. That book gave me eyes with which to look at buildings in general and churches in particular. Pevsner got really passionate when he wrote about Gothic cathedrals. The invention of the pointed arch, he said, was a rare event in history, when the solution to a technical problem - how to build a taller church - was also sublimely beautiful.
Soon after I read Pevsner's book, my newspaper sent me to the East Anglian city of Peterborough. I have long forgotten what story I was covering, but I shall always remember what I did after filing it. I had to wait an hour for a train back to London so, remembering Pevsner's fascinating and passionate descriptions of medieval architecture, I went to see Peterborough Cathedral.
It was one of those moments.
The west front of Peterborough has three huge Gothic arches like doorways for giants. The inside is older than the façade, with arcades of regular round Norman arches in stately procession up the aisle. Like all great churches, it is both tranquil and beautiful. But it was more than that. Because of Pevsner's book, I had some inkling of the labour that had gone into this. I knew the story of humankind's efforts to build ever-taller and more beautiful churches. I understood the place of this building in history, my history.
I was enraptured by Peterborough Cathedral.
Cathedral visiting became a hobby for me. Every few months I would drive to one of England's old cities, check into a hotel and study the church. This way I saw Canterbury, Salisbury, Winchester, Gloucester and Lincoln, each one unique, each with an intriguing story to tell. Most people take an hour or two to 'do' a cathedral, but I like to have a couple of days.
The stones themselves reveal the construction history: stops and starts, damage and reconstruction, extensions in times of prosperity, and stained-glass tributes to the wealthy men who generally paid the bills. Another story is told by the way the church is sited in the town. Lincoln faces across the street to the castle, religious and military power nose to nose. Winchester has a neat grid of streets, laid out by a medieval bishop who fancied himself a town planner. Salisbury moved, in the thirteenth century, from a defensive hilltop site - where the ruins of the old cathedral are still visible - to an open meadow, showing that permanent peace had arrived.
But all the while a question nagged at me: why were these churches built?
There are simple answers - for the glory of God, the vanity of bishops, and so on - but those were not enough for me. The building of the medieval cathedrals is an astonishing European phenomenon. The builders had no power tools, they did not understand the mathematics of structural engineering, and they were poor: the richest of princes did not live as well as, say, a prisoner in a modern jail. Yet they put up the most beautiful buildings that have ever existed, and they built them so well that they are still here, hundreds of years later, for us to study and marvel at.
I began to read about these churches, but I found the books unsatisfactory. There was a great deal of aesthetic guff about elevations, but not much about the living buildings. Then I came across The Cathedral Builders by Jean Gimpel. Gimpel, the black sheep of a family of French art dealers, was as impatient as I with discussions about whether a clerestory 'worked' aesthetically. His book was about the dirt-poor hovel-dwellers who actually put up these fabulous buildings. He read the payroll records of French monasteries, and took an interest in who the builders were and how much money they made. He was the first person to notice, for example, that a significant minority of the names were female. The medieval church was sexist, but women as well as men built the cathedrals.
Another work of Gimpel's, The Medieval Machine, taught me that the Middle Ages were a time of rapid high-tech innovation, during which the power of watermills was harnessed for a wide variety of industrial applications. Soon I was taking an interest in medieval life in general. I began to get a picture of how the building of the great cathedrals must have seemed like the right thing to do for medieval people.
The explanation is not simple. It is a little like trying to understand why twentieth-century people spent so much money exploring outer space. In both cases, a whole network of influences operated: scientific curiosity, commercial interests, political rivalries, and the spiritual aspirations of earthbound people. It seemed to me there was only one way to map that network: by writing a novel.
Sometime in 1976 I wrote an outline and about four chapters. I sent it to my agent, AI Zuckerman, who wrote: 'You have created a tapestry. What you need is a series of linked melodramas.'
Looking back, I can see that at the age of twenty-seven I was not capable of writing such a novel. I was like an apprentice watercolour painter planning a vast canvas in oils. To do justice to its subject, the book would have to be very long, cover a period of several decades and bring alive the great sweep of medieval Europe. I was writing much less ambitious books, and even so I had not yet mastered the craft.
I dropped the cathedral book and came up with another idea, a thriller about a German spy in wartime England. Happily, that was within my powers, and under the title Eye of the Needle it became my first best-seller.
For the next decade I wrote thrillers, but I continued to visit cathedrals, and the idea of my cathedral novel never went away. I resurrected it in January of 1986, having finished my sixth thriller, Lie Down with Lions.
My publishers were nervous. They wanted another spy story. My friends were also apprehensive. They know that I enjoy success. I'm not the kind of writer who would deal with a failure by saying that the book was good but the readers were inadequate. I write to entertain, and I'm happy doing so. A failure would make me miserable. No one tried to talk me out of it, but lots of people expressed anxious reservations.
However, I did not intend to write a 'difficult' book. I would write an adventure story, full of colourful characters who were ambitious, wicked, sexy, heroic and smart. I wanted ordinary readers to be as enraptured as I was by the romance of the medieval cathedrals.
By then I had developed the method of working that I continue to use to this day. I begin by writing an outline of the story, saying what happens in each chapter and giving thumbnail sketches of the characters. But this book was not like my others. The beginning came easily but, as the story unwound over the decades, and the people grew from youth to maturity, I found it more and more difficult to invent new twists and turns in their lives. I realized that one long book is much more of a challenge than three short ones.
The hero of the story had to be some kind of man of God. This was difficult for me. I would find it hard to get interested in a character who was focused on the afterlife (and so would many readers). To make Prior Philip more sympathetic, I gave him a very practical, down-to-earth religious belief, a concern for people's souls here on earth, not just in heaven.
Philip's sexuality was also a problem. All monks and priests were supposed to be celibate in the Middle Ages. The obvious drama would be that of a man fighting a terrible battle with his lusts. But I could not work up any enthusiasm for that theme. I grew up in the 1960s, and my heart is always with those who deal with temptation by giving in to it. In the end I made him one of that minority
of people for whom sex really is no big deal. He is the only cheerfully celibate character I have ever created.
I got in contact with Jean Gimpel, who had inspired me a decade earlier, and was astonished to learn that not only did he live in London but in my street. I hired him as a consultant, and we became friends and table-tennis opponents until his death.
By March of the following year, 1987, I had outlined only the first two-thirds of the book. I decided that would have to be sufficient. I began to write.
By December I had a couple of hundred pages.
This was pretty disastrous. I had been working on the story for two years, and all I had was an incomplete outline and a few chapters. I couldn't spend the rest of my life on this book. But what was to be done? Well, I could drop it and write another thriller. Or I could work harder. In those days I used to write Monday to Friday, then deal with my business correspondence on Saturday morning. From around January 1988 I began to write Monday through Saturday and do letters on Sunday. My output increased dramatically, partly because of the extra day, but mainly because of the intensity I was bringing to my work. The problem of the end of the book, which I had not outlined, was solved by a flash of inspiration, when I thought of involving the principal characters in the notorious real-life murder of Thomas Becket.
As I recall, I finished a first draft around the middle of that year. A combination of excitement and impatience impelled me to work even harder on the rewrite, and I began to work seven days a week. My business correspondence was neglected, but I finished the book in March 1989, three years and three months after starting it.
I was exhausted but happy. I felt I had written something special, not just another best-seller but maybe a great popular novel.
Not many people agreed.
My American hardcover publisher, William Morrow & Co, printed around the same number of copies as they had of Lie Down with Lions, and when they sold the same number they were content. My London publishers were more excited, and Pillars sold better there than any of my previous books. But the initial reaction, among publishers worldwide, was a sigh of relief that Follett had completed his crazy project and got away with it. The book won no prizes - it was not even nominated. A few critics adored it, but most were unimpressed. It was a No. I best-seller in Italy, where readers have always been kind to me. The paperback was No. 1 for one week in Britain.
1 began to think I had been wrong. Maybe the book was just another page-tumer, good but not great.
However, one person believed passionately that this book was special. My German editor, Walter Fritzsche at Gustav Lubber Verlag, had long dreamed of publishing a novel about the building of a cathedral. He had even spoken to some of his German authors about the idea, but nothing ever came of it. So he was very excited about what I was writing, and when the typescript came in he felt his hopes had been fulfilled.
Until this point, my work had been only modestly successful in Germany. (The villains in my books were often Germans, so I could hardly complain.) Fritzsche was so enthusiastic, he thought Pillars could be a breakthrough book, one that would make me the single most popular writer in Germany.
Even I didn't believe that.
But he was right.
Lubber published the book brilliantly. They hired a young artist, Achim Kiel, to do the cover, but he insisted on designing the whole book, treating it as an art object, and Lubber had the courage to go with his concept. He was expensive, but he succeeded in communicating to the buyer Fritzsche's feeling that there was something special about this book. (He went on to design all my German editions for many years, creating a look that Lubber used again and again.)
The first intimation I had that readers saw the book as something special came when Lubber took an advertisement to celebrate the sale of 100,000 copies. I had never sold that many hardcovers in any country other than the USA (which has three times as many people as Germany).
After a couple of years, Pillars began to appear on the list of longest-selling books, having made some eighty appearances on the German best-seller list. As time went by, it just stayed on the list. (To date it has made more than 300 weekly appearances.)
One day I was checking my royalty statement from New American Library, my US paperback publisher. These statements are carefully designed to prevent the author knowing what is really happening to his book, but after decades of persistence I have learned to read them. And I noticed that Pillars was selling around 50,000 copies every six months. By comparison, Eye of the Needle was selling around 25,000, as were most of my other books.
I checked my UK sales and found the same pattern: Pillars sold about double.
I began.to notice that Pillars was mentioned more than any other book in my fan mail. Signing in bookshops, I found that more and more readers told me Pillars was their favourite. Many people asked me to write a sequel. Some said it was the best book they had ever read, a compliment I had not received for any other work. A British travel company approached me about creating a Pillars of the Earth holiday. This was beginning to look like a cult hit.
Eventually I figured out what was happening. This was a word-of-mouth book. It's a truism of the book business that the best advertising is the kind you can't buy: the personal recommendation of one reader to another. That was what was selling Pillars. You did it, dear reader. Publishers, agents, critics and the people who give out literary prizes generally overlooked this book, but you did not. You noticed that it was different and special, and you told your friends; and in the end the word got around.
And so it happened. It seemed like the wrong book. I seemed like the wrong writer; and I almost didn't do it. But it is my best book, and you honoured it.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Ken Follett
Stevenage, Hertfordshire January 1999.

Friday, December 14, 2007

What on Earth Have I Done? Anyone?

Once, in another lifetime, I was a photojournalist. For too brief a time the world opened it's hidden doors to me. Doors that all too often remain closed to so many of us. We may peer through the windows often enough but rarely do we get invited to come in, sit for a while, hear the story...


One of the many stories I experienced was one written about the strife and hard lives of "The Homeless". It was a tough story to cover. The reporter who was writing the piece asked for me to cover the photography. Eric was a young Auburn grad, newly married, athletic, bright, professional and hungry. He was hungry to tell a story and feel that when the ink hit the page, it would make a difference. Eric always took me back to the time when I was young and spending the summer at my grandparents. Every day at my Grandparents was an adventure. This young writer, this Journalist, he was like that - every day was an adventure to him.

Eric got it in his head that he wanted to write a piece on the homeless of Columbus, GA. Admittedly, I couldn't wait to get my camera out and walk through the door to the stories of their lives. What could push a brilliant Bank President to disappear from life as we know it to go live on the fringe? What could cause a college educated RN to leave her 3 children, her home, her job and her husband to live in the middle of the woods in a tent made of plastic scraps and trash bags? What could push a Doctor to leave behind a blooming practice to live under a bridge and be forced to protect his "territory" daily with a hunting knife? What could cause this Doctor to stop saving lives and start taking them?

The door didn't open with ease. As a matter of fact we knocked and it took a long time for someone to even bother and ask us who we were and what did we want. Eric found someone at a shelter who knew how to get us inside. There were "rules" we had to follow. I could NOT photograph anyone's face. Neither Eric or myself were to EVER go into the woods without a Sheriff accompanying us to the edge first. We were not allowed to go anywhere without the Shelter Counselor. We had to leave our ID, Money/wallets with the Sheriff. We had to hang name badges around our necks. Never at any time, were we to use anyone's real names. It was made clear to us that covering this story would be at our own risk.

We covered many levels of "homeless". We met women with children who had no where to go because their husbands/boyfriends had left them never to return. These were women with multiple children, all of the children were under the age of 5 or so. Some were women who were really young and most were uneducated beyond their high school diplomas. Some of the women had college degrees but had been beaten down so brutally physically and emotionally they didn't know how to pick them selves up. They needed a helping hand. I met families who were still intact with the mother and father at these shelters. Families who's main bread winners had fallen on hard times and the jobs they did have weren't enough to pay rent and utilities. In another shelter I walked inside the doors and everywhere I looked someone was in bandages or a cast. This particular shelter was where women could go with their children to hide. Yes, Hide. I was unable to take any photographs of the place or the people here. I saw 3 year old children in casts. Women, young mothers, on crutches with their faces mangled. This was the shelter they were brought to when the lives of the mothers and the children were in danger. They were in danger of being killed by the husbands/ boyfriends/fathers. These women and their children were brought to this place by an "Underground Railroad" of sorts. There was never a direct way to get there. The location was well protected and very strict. There were no phones in this place except for in the counselors' office. All phone calls had to go through someone "in charge". The counselors had this rule because, believe it or not, some of the women would try to call the men who had nearly killed them or their child! This part of the story was the most difficult for me to cover. The range of emotions I experienced is unexplainable. The outrage, sadness, sympathy, anger, frustration, heartbreak, it was all so overwhelming. I was merely a bystander...imagine how those women and their children felt.

I could tell you more about the families I met in the shelters but it's not the reason I am here, writing this essay today. Today I want to tell you about the people who live on the street. The loners, the panhandlers, the mad men and women who beg for your spare change every day. I know you have all seen them at one time or another in your life. Lately we've been seeing them not only on the corners in our little town of Brandon but also all over the television. Clearwater, Florida has quite a homeless population. As you can imagine the weather is conducive to people living in the out of doors. Many of the homeless in Clearwater had set up their own little Tent Community. After many, many requests by the powers that be to dismantle this tent village the authorities of Clearwater took matters into their own hands. They went through the tent village and sliced the tents up and rendered them useless to the inhabitants. Yes, I can hear some of you now. Your hearts are wrecked with sadness over another human being doing such a thing to a fellow human being. You may want to stop reading my post now. You won't hear any sympathy from me. These homeless villages are a festering community of filth, sickness, disease, brutality and drugs.

Once, a long time ago, my heart used to break for the homeless I would see on the streets. Then, I received this white slip of paper in my assignment box at the Newspaper. The assignment was to cover the story with Eric (the young Auburn Grad) on the Homeless People of Columbus. When I saw that slip in my box, my body was wracked with emotion. I remember physically shaking with the anticipation of covering this story with my camera. My God. What did I do to be dealt such an honor? Who did I please with my journalistic skills to land such a juicy assignment? Oh -as a photographer I could do SO MUCH with this story! Just imagine. So many people who were homeless could be helped with this sort of coverage. Wow. The power we held. The photographs were going to reach right off of the pages and pull it's readers into the story. The photos would be like a big strong hand grabbing each reader by the collar and yanking them down into the streets of Columbus where they would not only see -but feel the heart break and terror of the homeless in our community. When the readers were done they would ALL run out to the nearest shelter and begin to donate their time and spare cash to help in any way they could. Yes, this was going to be one of the greatest photo essays ever to go with a written journey. One beyond any you had ever seen. Surely you have heard of this story? 1996 - Columbus, Georgia? That's what I thought. (welcome to my own personal LaLa Land)Don't get me wrong, it was an incredible story. It took over a month to fully cover it. It was written in increments. Like a 2 week Mini Series on TV. Eric told the story with love, compassion and true emotion. Until we reached the part of the story in which the shelters were no longer where we were meeting the homeless. Eric's professionalism didn't waver. He told the story with an objective and fair perspective. It just became impossible to continue on with compassion and love.

What we discovered out there when we walked into the woods to a large plastic tent was this. Enter at your own risk. The people living out on the streets. They weren't there because they had no where to go. They weren't there because there was no room at the shelters. They were there because that is where they chose to be. It is a CHOICE they have made. We met people from all walks of life down there in the bowels of what you and I call Society. Everyone of them, we soon discovered, told the same story. The variation was so slight that sometimes the only way we could keep them straight was to refer back to Eric's notes.

Let me break it down for you. "The Story" that is...
"I had a family. Children, spouse, great job (ie: Dr, Nurse, Bank President, Salesman, Mechanic, just fill in the blank) nice home, etc. I couldn't handle the pressure. I started smoking crack, or smoking pot and drinking." The vices sometimes varied but the results never did. Instead of making the decision that enabled them to stay healthy and keep their families intact they all chose the weak minded choice. Drugs and alcohol. They all spent so much of their income on these vices that they left their families with nothing. The homes were lost to the banks, the cars were repossessed, their work performance caused them to be fired and the spiral just keeps spinning downward from there. Their lives no longer were about living but rather about when they could nail the next score. The men and women we met living on the street held no value to life. Not their childrens' (many hadn't seen or spoken to their children in years), not their fellow man and certainly not for themselves. I discovered that many of these homeless people make quite a nice living by begging and stealing and prostituting. Yes, we are talking 6 figure incomes. Did I actually say the word "nice"? I did. By my standards and probably most of you out there reading this, $120,000.00 or $180,000.00 a year is pretty nice. Don't you think? That much money a year could put a nice roof over your head and a decent car in the driveway. Right? Do you know how they gauge how much money they "make" annually? By their drug habit. Yes, it was calculated on how much they spent daily, weekly, on their drugs. Staggering actually when you think of it. Because, you see, they didn't spend a dime on shelter. They didn't spend a single penny on food. Food was delivered to them daily by the local shelter. It was brought to them at the risk of life by the shelter volunteers. Under the watchful eyes of a police escort. Truly. I am not making this up. I am neither exaggerating, or embellishing. These (homeless) addicts would spend every penny on drugs and alcohol. Is this tragic? I ask you this because I am the curious sort. I am one of those people who went through life with one idea and had it drastically altered with the the cold, hard truth. Please, do you see the tragedy in these words? Are you wondering where my compassion has gone to? Let me tell you where it lies. It's in the shelters where our help is needed. My Compassion is there with the young mothers and their children who have been beaten to within an inch of their lives. My compassion rests solidly with the Father who was laid off after 15 loyal and hard working years with a company. The same father who can't find a job that pays enough to keep a roof over his family's heads. He is a hard working guy, but with no college degree he is left wondering how he will ever be able to get back on his feet again. With a little help from you and me, the Shelter will help him return to a good life for his family and him. Please, give your time and/or money to your local shelters.

No longer (when I see the beggars standing on the corner of my drive home) do I feel sorry for the fact that they are out there begging for money. No longer do I feel the need to dig down and pull out the last of my hard earned dollars. Giving them money is not the answer. If you choose to help with money, please, give to the shelters. Take your compassion and your love for our fellow beings to the Shelters. The next time you feel as though you want to help these people with your spare change - rethink it. Instead, when you get home, write a check out and mail it to a local shelter. The people in the shelters, they are the ones looking for help. They aren't looking for handouts, they are looking for a hand up to find their way back into society. Don't pass out your spare change to the person who has left their families in search of the next score. Donate your change to the counselor who used to live on the streets and is now trying to help others find their way back to the light.
Do I sound jaded and cruel to you? Maybe I am, but I am not going to apologize for it. Instead, I am going to tell you about a woman I met. Lets call her Nancy. Nancy, she was an RN in her former life. She had 3 kids and self admittedly, a husband who loved her. She had a beautiful home in Alabama that sat neatly on a Golf Course. When I met her, she was maybe 43 or 45 somewhere in that age range. You could look at her and see that at one time, she was a beautiful woman. Probably what you and I would call a stunner. Long chocolate colored hair that was so thick and beautiful other women would look at her and wish they could have her life, her family, her hair. Nancy had it all. Nancy was living the American Dream. Oh, the glory. The last time I saw her, she was in her mid 40's. She looked 60 if she was a day.

When I met Nancy she was lying on the ground, in the woods, under a plastic tent. Half dead. Beaten to an unrecognizable state. Beaten by her boyfriend. Her hair was dirty and matted with blood. It was stuck to the side of her face and plastered to the back of her head. Her hands, well, they looked like balloon character hands from a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Hot Air Balloon. Her Crack smoking boyfriend had crushed her hands under his boot when she didn't produce enough cash for his next fix. Lying about 15 feet away was her remaining dog (lets call him Jasper). Also beaten badly. Jasper was beaten because he had tried to protect his master, Nancy. Jasper's companion (Nancy's other dog) Spike had been killed only 2 weeks prior. Spike was killed because, like Jasper, was trying fiercely to protect Nancy. Listen to me now, don't you DARE go feeling sorry for Nancy. Don't you dare. She was lying there on the ground because she chose to be there. She had chosen the life she was living. Not once, but twice. No. Wait, this was her third time of living on the streets. She was just as brutal and hardened as the man who had beaten her and left her there to live or die. He would be back. He was probably watching us all from some perch in the trees nearby. Nancy refused medical treatment. She refused to allow someone to admit her into the hospital. We all believed, judging from the looks of her that she was probably suffering from internal injuries of some kind. Yes, standing there in front of this woman my heart was moved with the need to help her. She looked us all in the face and made it clear that under no uncertain terms would she go with us. Yet, she wanted our pity. She wanted our money. She wanted us to save her from another beating, with our money. Nancy and many others, told us their stories. The candor we witnessed was completely unexpected. I expected to hear how sad their lives were and how much they wanted to find their way out of the life they were living. That isn't what we heard at all. When you see a homeless person holding a sign that reads "Homeless Vet. Hungry. Please give" don't. Odds are, they are not a vet at all. Odds are, they know you'll be more likely to dig into your pocket for someone who fought for our country. They are for the most part, liars. If you feel the need to really give them something, give them a burger or a sandwich. Don't contribute to the addiction. Give to the shelters. Take your extra blankets and coats to the shelters. They need your help.



I know some of you are thinking that I am cold and hard concerning the Homeless people of this country. That isn't true at all. In fact, it couldn't be farther from the truth by thinking that. My heart goes out to those who are left homeless and penniless with no one to turn to. When they reach out and ask for help. They ask for someone to help them find their way back to being active, functioning members of society. They do need our help. They need to know that society isn't turning their backs on them. They need to know that we do care about helping them and their children live full and healthy lives. I don't judge those who struggle to make ends meet. If I can spare anything, I will. Without a second thought. You never can know if that extra dollar in your pocket can mean the difference between a 3 year old eating or not eating that day. What you can know is that your extra dollar dropped into the hand of a street beggar will not see a sandwich being given to a small child. It will see it's way to the rock being smoked from the crack pipe.

I was reading a book titled "What On Earth Have I Done?" written by Robert Fulghum. He's the guy who also said "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten". Remember him? I enjoy his writings. He is the guy who inspired me to write this. Do I agree with EVERYTHING he has to say? Definitely not, but I thoroughly enjoy his perspective. One of the chapters in "What On Earth.." is about street beggars. His perspective on them is interesting. He seems to toy with the idea of trying to put himself in their shoes. That is all he really does though, is toy with the idea. After all, unless we are truly destitute and homeless, how could any of us ever imagine the full scope of the circumstances? I don't claim to understand what it would be like to be living the way some of them do. What I do understand is that few of the street beggars can find their way to the truth. For these people, the Truth is, if you want out of street life someone is there to help you. That is the truth. That's the mission of the shelters.

Well, Robert Fulghum proposed that these beggars have a tough job. They must really be in a hard spot if they are humiliating themselves by standing on a corner begging for change. Thing is, not a single beggar we interviewed understood the concept of shame, humiliation, remorse, fair play or dignity. Not a one.

During the Holiday Season I think we are all inclined to feel a bit more charitable. I think it's wonderful to see people become even more generous than normal during this time of the year. I think that it's important to reach your hand out to help someone. When you reach out this year, reach out to the shelters. If those who are begging really need help, they'll find it there, at the shelter. For those who are already seeking help, they'll reap the benefits of your generosity. Money is always a good thing if you can spare it. If you cannot, then start a program to go around and collect clean or new blankets, coats, hats, gloves, the things that can help keep someone from falling victim to the cold temperatures. Reach out, just don't reach out your window with a hand full of change. Reach out with your heart and help those who are trying desperately to help themselves. If you simply cannot help yourself and you roll down your window for a street beggar, don't give them money, give them a boxed lunch.