Contradiction. Today we set the clocks back but time did not rewind. It never does. When will the clock actually begin moving forward for me again?................................
..........................................here I am, 2 years have passed and still I stand in place watching time move forward and I feel like it has left me behind. I see myself moving, like the sands pouring through an hourglass, but it isn't me - I'm standing still. How can it be me that I see moving through time each day?
Two years.
I used to laugh nearly every day.
My life has changed in ways I never knew was possible. Over the span of the 23 years we spent together, life was not perfect. There were times that it would have been easier to quit. Despite those times, we found our way through the hard times and came out on the other side stronger, better ... more. We came out as so much more than we were before. Was life perfect? No. It was not. But we were stronger and we refused to give in. We never quit on each other. We refused to quit.
Marc and me, we had found a place in our life together where we rarely fought with each other. We laughed nearly every day and we rarely fought because we had discovered the gift of empathy. We found the gift of empathy for each other and it changed everything.
Now I feel so alone. Yes I have my friends and I have their love and their loyalty and their kindness. It is not my intention to take anything away from those whom I love and who love me in return because they mean so much to me and they shed light upon my days when I have difficulty seeing the light. Yet I still struggle. How do I find my way back to a life where I can laugh again, love again, and know how to hope for a future again? I don't know. I don't know.
Two years have passed and although I have moved through the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years, my grief has not. The grief has not diminished but I am finding new ways to live with it. This slow, aching grief has become a part of me. It has woven its way into the very fiber of my soul. I am no longer the woman I was but neither am I less than I was. This grief is not who I am but it has redefined me. I keep searching for a meaning here but I cannot find one. Maybe some things have no other meaning other than it just "is".
Two years.
I used to laugh nearly every day.
My life has changed in ways I never knew was possible. Over the span of the 23 years we spent together, life was not perfect. There were times that it would have been easier to quit. Despite those times, we found our way through the hard times and came out on the other side stronger, better ... more. We came out as so much more than we were before. Was life perfect? No. It was not. But we were stronger and we refused to give in. We never quit on each other. We refused to quit.
Marc and me, we had found a place in our life together where we rarely fought with each other. We laughed nearly every day and we rarely fought because we had discovered the gift of empathy. We found the gift of empathy for each other and it changed everything.
Now I feel so alone. Yes I have my friends and I have their love and their loyalty and their kindness. It is not my intention to take anything away from those whom I love and who love me in return because they mean so much to me and they shed light upon my days when I have difficulty seeing the light. Yet I still struggle. How do I find my way back to a life where I can laugh again, love again, and know how to hope for a future again? I don't know. I don't know.
Two years have passed and although I have moved through the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years, my grief has not. The grief has not diminished but I am finding new ways to live with it. This slow, aching grief has become a part of me. It has woven its way into the very fiber of my soul. I am no longer the woman I was but neither am I less than I was. This grief is not who I am but it has redefined me. I keep searching for a meaning here but I cannot find one. Maybe some things have no other meaning other than it just "is".
