Time

Today's Blog post is courtesy of Beverly Rollwagen....I hope you enjoy her as much as I do.
xoxo





She just wants to locate herself in time and space. Everything rushes past: childhood, beauty, even pain. There must be a place to rest, to take a deep breath and absorb what's gone before. She watches the face of the clock for a clue; she studies the map of her life. She notices how she's been all over, and never too long in one place. She can't decide if this is a problem or a gift. She points to a dot on the map and decides to settle there. She wants to believe that there is still time for a mailbox with her name and address in block letters. Still time to go home.

Is it Ever Enough?

How much love is enough? Do you ever wonder about that? Do you ever wonder how much love will be enough for your mind and your soul to be satiated? I do. I wonder if it's a quantity question or a quality question. Maybe it's the combination of both. If you love someone enough, doesn't that mean the quality of your love will also change? I wonder.

In my mind loving someone enough, or to the point they fill your soul up with a radiance and joy that leaves you wanting them more and wanting to give to them all that you can and all that they ask...that is the quality and quantity of love I want in my life. It's also the same kind of love I would give in return. It's the kind of love I would WANT to give

 In order for a person to give that level or quality of love I think it has to be reciprocated or your soul will shrink and your heart will gradually guard it's fragility to it's best. Most often failing at protecting itself but none the less, it will attempt to protect itself. Love is the most wonderful as well as the most painful thing any person can know.


Life seems so impossible sometimes and still it's filled with incredible possibilities at every turn of the corner.

Find Your Way Back

I finally connected via telephone with an old high school friend. No, she's not old...well, we are a lot older than we were. 25 years older. She has tickets to the Bucaneers vs Miami preseason game tomorrow here in Tampa. It's all inclusive, club seats, parking and....wait for it....oh yeah, you know it baby. A TAILGATE PARTY!!!!  LOL

I am very excited about seeing Felicia again. Yeah, and about getting a good buzz on too. LOL It's a win win in my book. Glad Marc is driving...lol. Face Book aka Crack Book is how we found out we both live 650 miles away from where we went to school. Yes, she lives in the same town I currently live in and has been here as long as we have less than 5 miles away and we didn't even know it. Ka. Ray. Zee!! It turns out, there are a few of who live here in this town. I have never run into any of them. To my knowledge any way. Maybe we have and I didn't recognise them? It's possible.

Felicia and I were talking about how on FB we see an old HS friend and we want to add them, then it hits you. Dang, wonder if they like me? What if I was mean to them in HS? What if I tried to hook up with a boy friend and didn't know they were dating another girl? What if I broke that guys heart because I was a16/17 year old who was  reckless with his feelings? What if I got someone busted for a party they were having because I told my parents the truth about where I was going and what I would be doing, not knowing the other parents had no clue a party was happening? Yes, I did that. Talk about humiliating. All those things go through your head. My head any way. Maybe I over think things?

Face Book has put a lot of us back in touch with each other. A few I have added as friends and haven't actually spoken to because I'm not sure they even remember me but accepted my request out of...I don't know, because I am a mutual friend with 32 other of their friends? LOL  yes, I over think things. I know. I dig FB though. I do.

When I was talking to Felicia today she said something out loud that I have thought but hadn't voiced. She said," I like it better than having to pick up the phone and talk most of the time." I am paraphrasing of course but her point was life is so hectic and on her side of the screen there is noise, confusion, dinner timers beeping, children yelling, dogs barking...etc etc. But inside of here, it's peaceful and quiet and she can talk. I get that. I really do. I am so excited about seeing her tomorrow. She is a part of my history and maybe now, we'll be a part of each others future too. It's really Kewl.

I probably have a lot more to talk about but I'll save it for later. Thanks for popping in and taking to time to read my mental gibberish.
xoxo

Brought to You by the Letters "W", "T" and "F"

Ever just had one of those days and you wonder WTF?!?

it's gotta be here some where...right?

Play Me

This morning I walked out on the patio as the sun was rising.











I could smell the fresh brewed coffee coming from inside. The rabbits were out on the lawn, the ducks were furiously pecking the grass for food and the Ibis' were nodding through the grass seeking out the most delicious morsels they could find. Even the girls and Brisco were awake for this early morning delight. The sunrise was nothing short of glorious. I am not exaggerating, even slightly. In my head I could hear the Beatles singing "Here Comes The Sun". Glorious. Glorious. I stood there feeling the coolness of the morning air flutter across my skin. I closed my eyes to face the sun. With my eyes closed I was envisioning what a beautiful day was in store. Can you close your eyes and imagine it?

I came back inside and there was a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me. The day was getting better moment by moment. Turned on my playlist and Michael Buble was singing to me. Made me need to hear Nina Simone's version. She was crying out to me "Play Me".... Paused my playlist to hear Nina. I don't know where all of these emotions are coming from but they are making me feel like I am bursting from the inside out. Nina Simone's version of "Feeling Good" It's so beautiful. It's so rich and thick with emotion. It moves my very soul.

After a few plays of Nina I hit play again on my playlist.... it's uncanny how music effects so many of us. My playlist sounded like a laundry list of memories waiting to trample what started out as a beautiful day. Then....Unwritten by Natasha Beddenfield came on (right after Dido) and I had to laugh.... the words. They struck home. I love this song. "....Live your life with arms wide open....Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten......."

The sun is gone and the storm is blowing with ferocity outside. I think I'll go outside now and feel the rain on my skin. What a glorious day.

A Change Will Do You Good?

The morning came earlier than I wanted it to. I still pulled myself up out of bed, donned my robe and made my way to the keyboard. Do not pass go, do not collect your morning coffee.

The girls and Brisco were still sleeping soundly in their bed. All three of them lying next to each other. It warms my heart. Almost the way I am sure a mother's heart is warmed when she peeks in on her sleeping children before the sun is fully up in the sky. The girls' ages are really showing. They used to wake me at 6 am ready to go outside and get their morning constitution done with. After their potty break, they would roam the yard for whatever new and exciting scents the night creatures had left behind.

Now, in their old age they barely step out the door, hurry with their mission and turn right back around to come inside so they can return to their beds. They stirred around 9 this morning. Hurried through the patio to the grass then spun back around to find the warmth of the bed in the kitchen. Hunger hasn't even bothered to disturb their morning dreams. I love my girls. I will be crushed when it's time to say goodbye to them. We always say we don't have it in us, but we do. As heartbreaking as it is. As much as we wish it would never happen, we survive it. It took me months to recover from losing Jake. I still miss her. Sometimes I still think I can feel her curl up with me at night. She's been gone three years now.

I realise life is about change. Most often, I find change exhilarating (I hear Cheryl Crow belting out "A change will do you good..."). Other times, when I think of the ending that comes with it, I want to weep.

Listen to Shaw

Been pondering life a LOT lately. More than usual.










I have always kept a journal. Wrote in it(them- one journal became stacks) every day. For years. What a great release. Sometimes I stumble across the box I keep them in. It's impossible to not reach in and pull one out. When I look back into my life sometimes I smile, sometimes I feel sad from the memory, sometimes I can even feel myself blush. LOL I blush because I can not believe how stupid some of my entries are. Regardless of the emotion they bring forward in me, I still cherish the memories.

Blogging helped me do the same thing my journals do. Release whats pent up in my head. Good or bad. I started this as a way to keep everyone up on Marc's triathlons. It became something more than that. So much more. I have met incredible people through this blog. I'm so grateful for this place I come to. I have stayed away for too long again. It's time for me to return. It's time for me to create again.

Shaw wrote - "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." What do you do if you liked who you were and don't recognise who you have become? Do you recreate yourself again or do you try to find your way back to who you were? Can you ever find your way back to who you used to be? Maybe you can create a newer version but I don't think you can ever be who you were- ever again. Changes create shifts in everything. Your way of thinking, your way of observing, how you interact with others, it changes your perspective. Shaw was right, you will never find yourself, you are faced with staying the same or creating a new, better, more improved you. You have to, or you'll never know how to be happy. At least that is my perspective on the subject.

Rose Tinted Words

Wow, it's really dusty in here. I have been gone a long time and didn't realise just how quickly the cobwebs can fill all the empty spaces.

My blog has always been a place for me to let my thoughts wander and meander around this crazy life I have. The one certain thing is I always tried to keep a positive spin on whatever I would post. Sometimes I didn't always accomplish that task but those times were always few and far between.

Again... Wow! October...my last post. I can't even begin to tell you how many posts I have written in my mind only to take the big pink eraser and wipe it all clean from my brain. I just couldn't seem to find my positive spin. You know, those Rose Tinted Words that make life a nice place to hang out. Well, in my world any ways. I like Rose tinted words. I like thinking that no matter how bad today is, if I can make it through today, I can make it through anything. Therein lies the root of my dilemma..I have said the words and I know they are true I just don't know that I believe them any more. Oxymoronic (word?? lol) as that sounds that is how I feel.

Yes, times are hard everywhere. Great, does that make me feel any better about my situation? No. Not even in the slightest.

My girlfriend Suzi insists that I am the strongest person she knows. She reminds me every time we talk that my spirit is unbreakable and that my ability to see life through my rose colored glasses still lives in my soul. She tells me each time that I am like a Phoenix that always manages to rise from the ashes of the flames. I want to believe what she tells me. She isn't the sort of friend who would tell me pretty little lies with rose tinted words just to boost my self esteem. No, that's not Suzi. She would never do that because she is my friend. She only deals in honesty. Like me. Knowing this about her makes me stop and listen when she talks with me. Lately though, the words just aren't sounding in my heart. Lately, I just want to shut the door and crawl back under the covers. I just want the flames to consume me without any expectation that I rise again.