Fealty

As of late I have been pondering what it truly means to love someone. What exactly IS love and exactly what are MY expectations in regard to loving and being loved? How do I gauge if a person is the right fit for what I have to give and what I expect in return. We like to say love is unconditional but in reality, love has conditions. If we love someone, we want to be loved in return. That is a condition. Ultimately we need love to give love. Otherwise, as humans, we will be deprived of the thing we most need to be compassionate and empathetic human beings. But I digress, back to what I think it means to love someone, this is what I came up with...

When you have chosen to enter into a relationship, whether it is friendship, family, marriage,  there is an unwritten contract you have entered into. Essentially the contract is an agreement that you will be good to each other, that you will not purposely hurt or betray the other person's trust in you. When you love someone you have sworn fidelity, loyalty, you have a commitment of faith and truth... at least that is what you should have. Yes, I realize I've broken it down into simple terms. Sometimes simple is the best way to begin things. 

Dictionaries have attempted to define love for us. They have failed. They have failed to define love because love cannot be defined merely with words. No, I am not holding a claim to know any more or to know any better than those folks at Merriam-Webster, but I do have my own take on what Love is. From my perspective, if dictionaries are going to offer up words to help with the definition of LOVE they should consider the word "fealty". Look it up. Don't make me do the work for you, if you don't know what it means, look the word "fealty" up and then get back here and finish reading this entry. Hurry, don't dawdle, m'kay? 

Fealty is an old word, and in its strictest definition is a reference to vassal and Lord. If we attempt to explore fealty in its strictest definition we might feel a bit ruffled at the idea of someone "lording" over us. However, in any loving relationship doesn't each person essentially rotate the roles of vassal and Lord?  For those of you with a dirty mind, put the whip down, quit the distraction, get out of the gutter and get back up here with the rest of us and pay attention. 

Where was I? Oh. Yes....Fealty isn't merely pledging our loyalty, it is also the assignation of the relationship being sacred. When we want someone to know how much we love them we generally work hard to prove our devotion, our loyalty, our trust, our faith in them, we show tenderness, and kindness for the other person. If the feelings are mutual the person we love will in turn do the same for us. In the course of this relationship, depending on the situation, we each take turns in the roles of leading or following. We take turns in order to maintain the sacredness, to lift up the importance of how we feel about each other. We defend and we protect. If you have assumed a singular role in your relationship, whether it be vassal or Lord, then the love is clearly out of balance and likely one-sided. If your love is one sided, if you do not feel the other person is also working hard to show you their devotion, their loyalty, their trust, if they are not providing you with the tenderness and kindness that is genuine and freely given, leave. If there is a lack of fealty on your part or theirs just get out. Hotfoot it out of there like your life depends on it, because it does. 

Love isn't words, love is action, love is having faith in the other person that they are deserving of your trust, your honesty, your submission and your strength; love is the decision that you will offer an unwavering devotion, love is fealty. 

Grief is Complicated

Hi. It isn't often that I actually share my blog posts. More often than not I write my thoughts down but never hit the "publish" option and my posts sit here in this virtual box never to be read by anyone but me. Today I was writing about my rollercoaster of emotions in regard to holidays and how brutal they are for me emotionally. After writing my thoughts down I began to read a few other posts that I have kept as private. This morning I'm going to share an old post with a new post.

December 18, 2019

Gone are the days of feeling safe and loved when I felt my husband's hand slip into my own hand. It has been three years and 6 weeks gone by since he last held my hand. Twenty-six years ago Marc slipped a gold ring onto my finger... in that moment, it never occurred to me that I would be sitting here, three years after his death, talking about finding myself single again.

The past three years have been a concentrated journey of self-discovery. Trying to find who I was after literally having half of me suddenly cut away, without warning, has been all uphill. You know what I have discovered? I've discovered that the changes I have gone through have not lessened me. I have been made stronger and softer simultaneously. Stronger in that I know I am strong enough to survive this world and that I will come out with my head high and a smile in my heart, softer in that I seem to feel...everything, with more intensity than should ever be possible.

Grief is complicated. It doesn't go by any rules and if you have any expectations of grief, it will most definitely shatter everything you thought you could expect, know, or attempt to define. Three years have slipped past me and as I sought refuge here in Florida I discovered a version of myself that is closer to who I most wish to be. A version of me who knows that life is fleeting and that when an opportunity presents itself, you jump to grasp it, that love can be felt on a level far deeper than I could have imagined before, that I am okay. I am okay and know that my strength is my own and is not reliant on anyone else, no single person, man or woman.

Life is fleeting. It is a true statement and the idea that we can plan for a future, well....we can, but that doesn't mean the future we plan for will unfold. Whatever my future becomes it will be an  uncomplicated, spontaneous, calm and drama-free (which it has been for years - ain't nobody got time for that!) life. Keeping my life simple and easy has brought peace to every aspect of my life.

A few weeks ago a friend called to catch up. As per our usual we find our way to talking about life's ups, downs, ins, outs, and all the dust bunnies that come with it. In our conversation we talked for a long time about relationships and he said to me that someone had once told him that (paraphrasing here) that this time around, relationships should be easy. I couldn't agree more. There's no time for anger, for grudges, for power plays, or a failure to communicate. Life is too precious. We talked about need versus want.  Wanting something does not necessarily signify a need. We talked about how we have become accustomed to being alone. We talked about the loneliness that comes not from being alone but from remembering how it felt to love and to be loved. I hope he finds love. He has so much kindness and love in his heart, he deserves to have someone to share that with.

July 5, 2020

Three years, eight months, 0 days if I am counting in years, or if counting in months it has been 44 months, or in weeks it has been 191, in days it has been 1338 days since Marc's heart beat its last beat and his lungs took their last breath. Why then at times, after what feels like it has been an eternity, does it also feel like it was just yesterday?

Holidays are painful. Holidays are gut wrenching because with the death of Marc all of our Holiday traditions also died. Over the past 3 years and 8 months I've had friends and family invite me to their Holiday celebrations. Each invitation is a testimony for the love, concern and compassion people have for me and they invite me because they imagine I must be feeling alone and their intention is to reassure me that I am not alone. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I politely thank them but opt out of attending the festivities. It feels as though all I have to offer is a pervasive sadness and I don't want to be "that" person at a celebration. For those who have invited me to family events, whether I have turned down your invitation or not, please know that the invitation meant more to me than you may have known. Being invited to be a part of your family and your celebration, opening your heart, your home and your family to me makes me feel loved, thank you for that.

When Holidays come around and I am invited to celebrate with friends or family I am reminded that I did not just lose my husband, I lost my "family". Family is who you choose to create a life with. Sometimes it includes children of your own, sometimes it includes the children of the person you fall in love with, sometimes there are no children at all. Family is who you create your life with.

Marc's death left more holes in my life than words can articulate. It is my hope that one day I will begin to enjoy new traditions with someone I love. It is my hope that one day I will find my "family" and then Holidays will again be joyful and happy occasions in my life. New memories will be added to the old and they'll be filled with love and laughter instead of heartbreak, loneliness and pain. It is my hope that one day, I'll be spending my holidays with the person who holds my hand knowing that holding my hand makes me feel safe, loved, and at "home" with my family. Maybe. One day.