Day 38 was a good day. Nothing special happened today, unless you consider that I have only cried once - so far. I showered, dressed in clean clothes, and went to the grocery store. Nothing special. Normal, everyday sort of day; I felt emotionally balanced most of the day. The only difference today from the old normal is that my day seemed to move along in a deafening silence. Each day is saturated with a silence almost too loud to bear at times.
When Marc wasn't traveling, or away from home, my mornings would begin with the sound of him climbing out of bed. I would lay there, half asleep, listening to the sounds of him moving around in the house. The shower would turn on and 10 minutes later I would hear it shut off. Next, I would hear the faucet running and he would brush his teeth, always followed by the sound of the ironing board squeaking open so that he could press his clothes for work. After getting dressed, I would hear Marc's footsteps as they headed back towards the bedroom....he always came to my side of the bed before he would leave for work so he could leave me with an "I love you," a kiss, and a big hug. The best hugs.
I loved those sounds of him beginning his days. The sounds of Marc moving through the house, showering, ironing, they always brought me comfort, and they always made me feel safe. When he was traveling or away from home, my mornings always started with a string of heart emojis, or kisses, and an "I love you sweetie!" He always wished me a good day and always made me feel loved and missed.
Now my days begin in absolute quietude. No more footsteps through the house, no squeaky ironing board, no more, "I love you", no more kisses, no more hugs, no more heart emojis or kiss emojis, and no more "I miss you!", no more feeling safe. All that is left is the deafening silence. That excruciating silence is the sound of loss.
Tomorrow will begin the same way today started. It will begin in quietude and just like today, I'll get up, get dressed, and I'll try to get things accomplished. Or, maybe I'll stay in my pyjamas all day and never leave the sofa. Only tomorrow will tell.
When Marc wasn't traveling, or away from home, my mornings would begin with the sound of him climbing out of bed. I would lay there, half asleep, listening to the sounds of him moving around in the house. The shower would turn on and 10 minutes later I would hear it shut off. Next, I would hear the faucet running and he would brush his teeth, always followed by the sound of the ironing board squeaking open so that he could press his clothes for work. After getting dressed, I would hear Marc's footsteps as they headed back towards the bedroom....he always came to my side of the bed before he would leave for work so he could leave me with an "I love you," a kiss, and a big hug. The best hugs.
I loved those sounds of him beginning his days. The sounds of Marc moving through the house, showering, ironing, they always brought me comfort, and they always made me feel safe. When he was traveling or away from home, my mornings always started with a string of heart emojis, or kisses, and an "I love you sweetie!" He always wished me a good day and always made me feel loved and missed.
Now my days begin in absolute quietude. No more footsteps through the house, no squeaky ironing board, no more, "I love you", no more kisses, no more hugs, no more heart emojis or kiss emojis, and no more "I miss you!", no more feeling safe. All that is left is the deafening silence. That excruciating silence is the sound of loss.
Tomorrow will begin the same way today started. It will begin in quietude and just like today, I'll get up, get dressed, and I'll try to get things accomplished. Or, maybe I'll stay in my pyjamas all day and never leave the sofa. Only tomorrow will tell.
1 comment:
I know how deafening the silence can be. One day at a time. It's okay to take it even one minute or one second at a time.
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