If I Were To Paint Myself

When I first meet people their eyes or their smile usually isn't the first thing I notice. For a fleeting moment what I see is colors. Moving, living, breathing color. They are like a canvas filled with color. I'm not sure there are words for what I see. Perhaps I could liken it to an aura. Aura still doesn't quite fit the description of what I see. The moment is quick. Faster than time.When I was younger, I saw it all of the time, in every person I saw. A person's colors were always there. I think that as a kid, I supposed that was how everyone saw everyone. With age we lose our ability to "see" not because it's no longer there, rather because we quit looking. I am guilty of this too. As I grow older I want to keep youth in my heart. Sometimes I realize, I've forgotten so much about youth.

My childhood was not an easy one. Each and every family struggles. I know this. I see it every day. Some are faced with such silly and minor struggles I find it hard to understand what the problem really is. Others I see fight against things far worse than I ever experienced. Regardless, each of us bears the scars left behind with the perception of what we have endured in this life. Perception is reality. The scars on my soul are no greater nor are they any less than another's. The scars don't define me. They are merely a record of what I have chosen to move past.

My life is good. I experience stress and anxiety just like the next person. Escaping such things is beyond my ability. I have had the fortunate turn of having met and married a truly wonderful man. Our life together has been great. That doesn't mean it has been all peaches and cream. Life never offers absolute perfection. We have struggled throughout our marriage both financially and spiritually. If there is a marriage out there that hasn't experienced tough times, I'd love to know their secret. Inspite of some of the things that (at the time) seemed almost insurmountable, Bigun and I have made it through each and every test put before us. Sometimes the only thing that got me through truly hard days was this phrase - "If we can make it through today - We can make it through anything". It's true. That statement is true each and every time you choose to say it.

I believe that what you experience in life is what makes you the person you see in the mirror each morning. If I had missed one little nuance or one single moment of a day that seemed insignificant at the time, I wouldn't be who I am now. Any number of things could have changed. Sure, maybe I could have been the first woman to be President of the United States. Or, maybe I would have ended up dead at 24 from an overdose. No, I wasn't a druggie, but I could have been. Who knows what happens to us, or when, that causes us to be who we are. We all seem to think it's those really big moments. You know the ones I mean. The moment you wake up to find your mother gone and you know she'll never be back. Maybe it's that moment when the phone rings and the voice on the other end tells you someone you love has died. The moment you marry the man of your dreams, or give birth to your first child. Most of us think it's the really big moments that shape us. Sure those big moments allow us to see through different eyes. Forever. Those big moments do have their hand in helping to shape us as people. Caring, loving, people who know what life can be if we work hard at it.

Let us not forget the little moments. The ones that don't seem like "Life Changing" moments. I believe those moments have a bigger hand in helping to shape who we are and who we will become. They are far more numerous than the "Big Moments". Do you remember that woman who was obviously rushing to be somewhere? You could tell she was frantic about being late. Still, she looked at you briefly, in the eye, and smiled. She smiled like all was right with the world. Maybe someone you've never met stepped up with the extra 35 cents you needed at the check out counter. There are so many tiny little moments in this life that we barely notice. Somehow, I think they have a bigger hand in helping to shape who we are and who we will become. They help the old wounds to heal into the scars of our past.

Not too long ago someone asked me if there was anything in my life I regretted. I honestly couldn't think of anything. That doesn't mean I am the epitome of perfection. Far from it. If anything, my past could serve as a HUGE warning for others. However, if I had missed any one of the things in my past, I might not be who I am today. I have to say, I like who I am. I try to be kind, not always with success. Each and every day I tackle it with the idea that I will be the best person I can be. Some days I am better than others. On the days that I am not quite the person I would like to be, hopefully I notice it so that tomorrow can be different. I never know what today will bring or what it may mean to me in the future.

The future is still undetermined. Each day presents it's own set of challenges and it's own set of promises. The canvas is never complete until our lives are finished. Borrowing from Gregory McGuire "Were I to paint myself...that would be what I would try to capture: a person intent on seeing, even if what is to be seen isn't yet fully comprehended."